She writes......
Sometimes, it takes someone else's mess to recognize your shit stinks also... I'd like to thank the good folks at Love & Hip Hop ATL, especially MiMi and Erica for opening my eyes and allowing me to hold my mirror close and see MY truths... For the past 3 1/2 years, I've embarked on a sometimes good, most times bad, on/off again relationship with someone I loved and adored... What I didn't realize about my own situation, was that as time went on and he and I rode this roller coaster... I was less in love with him and more in love with the idea that one day, he would give me what I desired... A family unit, love, support and an equal give and take... I also felt partially obligated to be there for him... I wanted to show him that regardless of past relationships he is and was worthy of unconditional love... Over time I realized, you can give all you have, love without conditions, but if a man doesn't feel HE is worth it... It's a vicious cycle of you losing yourself in a situation where nothing you do is ever "good enough"... By nature, I'm a nurturer... I give all I can and do all I can for anyone... However, when I determine that "I love you" there are no limits to what I will do to make you happy, negating my own happiness at times... Now reread that last sentence and see how fucked up that mentality is and the sad part is many of my Sister's share this same "confockted" ideology. Why is it, a woman will forego her happiness to cater to that of a man that is usually undeserving of that kind of "power" or love in the first place... In this relationship, I gave all I had and then some and tolerated things I ordinarily wouldn't... As I look back, I was driven by the notion that if I loved him in a place he'd never been loved before he would realize he had a "great one"... Truth is, I stuck by this man through a deployment, was dumped upon his return and ultimately took him back & embarked and stood by him for another deployment... Without him changing a thing... I took him back "as is"... And then convinced myself I was lucky to have him... That is my fault... Recently, my life was turned upside down, by the unexpected and untimely death of one of my favorite Uncle's... While I smile and go on my way, this loss truly hurt my heart... I struggle with his loss almost daily... I'm either extremely sad or extremely angry... I could see no good from this situation and through one of my many, sleepless, insomniac driven all night God talks, I received a huge epiphany... My Uncle was family, I spent a lot of my life with him... Times when my own Dad and I were on the "outs" my Uncle was there... He truly was a surrogate and didn't have to be... Losing him is something I will probably never get over, but I'm comforted in knowing its something over time I will be able to "deal" with... If there could ever be a bright side, my Uncle's passing made me re-evaluate every friendship I have including my relationship... I learned that what we love most at times isn't what God has intended for us and we block blessings writing people in ink in our lives, when clearly God wants them to be a pencil we are able to erase... I have learned I don't have to do extra, if I'm me in time whomever God has chosen me for will manifest themselves... I'm saddened because I finally decided to rid myself of the situation... If I can lose my Uncle and never see him again... I can remove anyone that isn't being what I need them to be and not returning what I'm giving... Relationships aren't 80/20, 100/0 or even 52/48... It's 50/50 and not half of what you desire to give... It's two people giving equally of what they both have to offer... I've learned, I'm clingy, I require lots of attention and I'm really affectionate... These are things he tried to tell me were flaws or bad qualities... Truth is, these are me and there is someone out there that will accept me as is... As I continue to deal with my Uncle's passing and mourn the end to a relationship and friendship, I am reminded, God holds me... He never gives me more than I can bare and I'm being prepared for my best yet and I will come through this storm, happier, better and even more blessed... A huge weight was lifted when I ended that relationship... I thought I'd be sad, depressed... I was actually happy, relieved and fulfilled. I've learned a lot, grown a lot and matured immensely since my Uncle's passing... My tolerance is lower and I'm living more doing more and delving more into God and who HE wants me to be... Finally I can say, aside from God & my boys, I'm finally, putting ME first....
- F. Nichole
